His Majesty Has an Ailment - Chapter 1

Chapter 1
My emperor has an ailment.

A private ailment.

And he refuses to see a physician.

I used to think he was simply too fine-boned and pretty, maybe lacking a touch of masculine edge. Who would’ve thought it wasn’t just “maybe” – he’s really lacking it.

On the night of the twenty-third of the first month, I ran into Your Majesty by chance at Yinghua Quarter.

I was a courtesan, and he was a patron.

Only, I was a fake courtesan, there to trace a batch of missing state funds;

He was a real patron, there… to patronize me?!

For a moment, it was pure horror.

We stared at each other. I silently thanked heaven and earth for my face veil.

“Come here.”

Zu Ling, in a casual robe with wide sleeves, sat at the edge of the bed. He ignored the indecent setting and somehow looked all effortless grace and charm.

He lifted a hand and beckoned.

…He beckoned to me!

Clutching my pipa, I pasted on a stiff smile and inched closer.

Damn it – before heading out I’d packed knockout powder, numbing powder, even an aphrodisiac, all ready to dose whichever rotten official I caught…

Who knew I’d run into His Majesty?!

Even if I had ninety-nine clans to spare, I wouldn’t dare drug the emperor.

One wrong move and the hidden guards would probably drop from the rafters and silence me.

“My lord~ shall we put out the candles? I… I’m shy…”

I pinched my throat into a sugary falsetto and cooed.

Zu Ling looked me over, absentminded, sitting like a bodhisattva – not the slightest sign he meant to lay a finger on me.

Toying with his string of Hetian jade beads, he said lazily:

“Let’s not. I’d hate for the little lady to hurt her hand.”

Me: ?

Good news: he didn’t recognize me.

Bad news: he made me sit in front of him and play the pipa.

He made me play while barely dressed, nothing left to modesty.

I played the entire night.

An entire night.

Even when I said I needed to change posture and “accidentally” tumbled into his arms – clothes askew, hair a mess – and squeezed out a soft little gasp…

Zu Ling… heart like iron. Not a flicker of reaction.

Me: ?

I understood then.

All those years of rumors about him being past twenty and still not establishing a harem were true.

His Majesty… can’t.

When the racket outside swelled to a din, my finger slipped on a string.

Yinghua Quarter was being raided.

The madam was arrested, business suspended, and every courtesan to be taken in for questioning.

The culprit was the gentleman sitting right in front of me.

I nearly blacked out.

I stared at Zu Ling, stunned.

He was a fake patron too – here to sniff around?

I’m done for –

If they detain me and dig, won’t my true identity – a woman serving in the court – be nailed down for all to see?

I could practically see my nine generations of kin waving me on from above.

…

Thank the ancestors I brought knockout powder.

The instant they escorted me out, I dropped the guards in a blink, darted into the next room, stripped off the indecent gauze dress, scrubbed away the garish paint, and changed back into my own clothes.

Long robe on, waist sash fastened – just another unremarkable young gentleman.

Down on the first floor, the open hall teemed with people, all disheveled and half-dressed, corralled by the imperial guards like chicks in a pen.

Privileged young scions clustered together, court officials clustered together, every last one desperate to hide behind a sleeve.

“Lord Fang, you’re here too?”

At the sight of me, Minister Lin nearly wept with relief. He boldly dropped his sleeve and seized my hand, trembling with excitement.

A bond of shared disgrace springs up fast, apparently.

I gave him an awkward smile and tried to tug my sleeve free to cover my face. “Yes, yes…”

Thankfully, shame divided among many feels less shameful.

Beside us, Grand Guardian Gong also lowered his sleeve, grabbed my other hand, and said with damp eyes:

“Thank heavens Lord Fang is here – we’re saved! His Majesty surely won’t punish us too harshly!”

What is this – please, I’m just a lowly Imperial Censor, have mercy!

“Fang Pei! So you really are here to make merry!”

A roar split the air from across the hall, calling me by name.

I jolted.

The man who moments ago had seemed calm as a mountain suddenly snapped.

He strode over, yanked me out of the crowd, and hauled me into the center under every watching eye.

“I searched everywhere and couldn’t find you! Speak – what room were you in, and with which girl were you having your fun?!”

His face twisted with fury.

My pretty face drained of color.

Seriously? All these high officials here and you single me out?

I glanced back. My colleagues shivered in unison, took a neat step backward, and coyly hid behind their sleeves.

– Fine, fine. Better a fellow Daoist than me, is that it?

The damn emperor clamped down on my shoulder and barked:

“Don’t look at them! You sit as an Imperial Censor yet shirk your duties – breaking law and discipline. Your crime is twice as grave!”

I… could I say I was literally just making merry with you?

I cried out, horrified:

“Your Majesty! This servant was here to investigate a case as well!”