Never to Find Her Again - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Xie Shenzhi had fallen in love with the Cui girl who ran a wonton stall by the city gate.

She did not even have a proper name. Since she was the third child, everyone called her Cui Sanniang.

She had two elder brothers, both utter scoundrels. They had racked up gambling debts outside and then vanished to who knew where, so people often came to Cui Sanniang’s stall to make trouble.

She caught a chill and was hounded by debt collectors besides. She nearly died of illness in the heavy snow.

Xie Shenzhi paid off the Cui family’s debts.

He also found respectable positions for her two elder brothers.

He saved the woman he loved from the mire.

Only, he forgot about me.

The affair caused an uproar throughout the city. Over tea and after meals, everyone was talking about Third Young Master Xie’s romance. The legitimate daughter of the Su Family had become the laughingstock of Shangjing City. My mother was furious and demanded that Father go before His Majesty to cancel the marriage.

Father summoned me to his study, but he only practiced his calligraphy in silence.

I understood what he meant.

A marriage alliance between the Su Family and the Xie family was a good thing. There was no need to fall out over a woman.

Moreover, this marriage had been arranged by the Empress Dowager at a birthday banquet years ago. If we brought the matter before His Majesty now, it would be far too unsightly.

The character Father wrote was “endure.”

I told him I would go and meet Third Young Master Xie myself.

Father nodded, set down his brush, then turned and took a booklet from the shelf to read.

The moment I stepped out of the study, I still felt unwilling to accept it. I could not help but turn back and ask Father,

“The character for ‘endure’ has a drop of blood upon the blade. If, after we marry, Xie Shenzhi treats me poorly, what should I do?”

Father slowly raised his head from the desk. His eyes were cold and severe, carrying a bloodthirsty chill.

He enunciated each word. “No one dares bully a daughter of the Su Family. You need only set your mind at ease.”

At first, no one would ever have imagined that Xie Shenzhi would fall in love with a common girl who ran a stall.

Third Young Master Xie was busy with official duties and often returned to the city just before curfew.

He disliked troubling the servants at home to light the stove and cook in the middle of the night, so he would usually make do with a bowl of wontons by the city gate.

At some point, that bowl of wontons became a habit for Xie Shenzhi.

Then one day, the wonton stall disappeared.

Xie Shenzhi did not think much of it at first. He waited for over a month, but the stall still never went back up, so he sent someone to investigate.

In truth, it was not hard to find out. Everyone in that area knew. A few casual questions were enough.

Third Young Master Xie, who had always stood so high above others, lowered his head for the first time and listened intently to a woman’s life story.

Then he reached out and pulled her up.

The proprietress of a wonton stall, I imagined, probably could not discuss Buddhist scriptures with Xie Shenzhi, nor would she ride with him across open country.

But when Xie Shenzhi returned late at night through wind and snow, there would be a lamp burning inside. Beneath it, a woman with her hair loosely coiled at the nape of her neck would stand before the stove and ladle out a steaming bowl of late-night food for him.

No matter how one thought of it, it was a very warm scene.

Third Young Master Xie. Cui Sanniang.

Even their names matched so well.

I went to see Xie Shenzhi.

He was likely very busy. I waited for two hours, only to receive a message from a young servant of his household: “My lord is still receiving guests. Perhaps Miss Su should come another day.”

I was not the sort to pester endlessly. Seeing that it was still early, I instructed the coachman to take me to Cui Sanniang’s place for a look.

The wonton stall by the city gate had long since closed. Xie Shenzhi had leased a new shop for Cui Sanniang.

The shop was not in Shangjing City’s most bustling district, but rather at the entrance of a somewhat secluded lane.

With the Xie family’s wealth, keeping a canary in a gilded cage would have been easy. But a canary was not supposed to show her face in public and do business outside.

Xie Shenzhi had allowed her to continue doing what she wanted, and had chosen this quiet, elegant location for her besides. It was clear he had put thought into it.

The shop was not large, but it was very clean.

By the time I arrived, the lunch rush had already passed, and there were not many people inside.

Cui Sanniang no longer made wontons. The sign at the entrance now advertised noodle flake soup.

The wonton soup at the city gate would, in the end, belong to Third Master Xie alone.

I sat in the carriage and, through the curtain, watched from a distance as the young woman rolled out dough.

We were too far apart for me to make out the expression on her face. I could only see the bright red ribbon tying up her hair, her sleeves rolled to her elbows, her movements brisk and practiced.

She was nothing like I had imagined.

I had heard Cui Sanniang’s story. I had thought she would be gentle and demure.

The alley was quiet, and the Su Family’s carriage stood out too much. Cui Sanniang had clearly seen me. After hesitating for a while, she wiped her hands clean and came over to the carriage.

“May I ask if the person seated inside is Miss Su?”

“What is it?”

The woman standing outside said, “I’ve heard Young Master Xie mention you before, Miss. Young Master Xie lent me the silver to open this shop. Once I earn the money, I’ll pay him back.”

I toyed with the Buddhist prayer beads I had worn on my wrist for years. Before I could speak, the sound of galloping hooves came from behind.

Xie Shenzhi, who was supposed to be “receiving guests,” reined in his horse. His face was cold, his entire manner wary as he shielded Cui Sanniang behind him and said urgently,

“Miss Su, if you have a problem, take it up with me. What is the point of making things difficult for a young woman?”

I froze. My lips parted, and after a long moment, I asked the coachman, “Did I make things difficult for her?”

The coachman said, “Of course not. Since you arrived here, Miss, you haven’t said a single word.”

I then asked the woman with her red sleeves half rolled up, “Did I make things difficult for you?”

She seemed frightened. Clutching Xie Shenzhi’s sleeve, she said softly, “My lord, what are you doing? You’ve misunderstood Miss Su.”

Xie Shenzhi’s face gradually turned pale, and a trace of shame slowly surfaced.

I knew what Xie Shenzhi had been worried about.

The Su Family was powerful. Even if I beat Cui Sanniang to death in the street, no one would dare hold me accountable.

But I, Su Muyun, had my own dignity and pride.

I had only wanted to come and see what kind of young woman I had lost to.

“My apologies. Sanniang is different from you. I was too agitated just now and was rude to you, Miss Su.”

I had waited outside the Xie residence for him for two full hours. Yet the moment Cui Sanniang was in trouble, he arrived in an instant.

The sun was already slanting west. Behind Xie Shenzhi, a red sun was sinking in a blaze of splendor.

In that instant, I suddenly thought of the decades to come.

I would be caught between Xie Shenzhi and another woman, and simply because I was born noble, everything I did would be wrong.

If I raised my voice, I would be domineering.

If I said nothing, I would be using my status to oppress others.

If I sat while looking at Cui Sanniang, I would be looking down on her.

If I stood while looking at Cui Sanniang, I would be lecturing her.

I would be trapped in the inner residence, day after day, hoping that a husband who did not love me might one day change his mind.

All at once, I felt it was so utterly pointless.

Even the eight years I had spent liking Xie Shenzhi felt utterly pointless.

I had once knelt before the Buddha and kowtowed three thousand times. I had once tamed a fierce horse for Xie Shenzhi’s sake.

Countless times, I had imagined what life would be like after I married Xie Shenzhi.

Our families were equally matched in power. We shared similar interests. We had a betrothal bestowed by the current Empress Dowager.

No match could have been more suitable.

But in the end, none of it could overcome the fact that Xie Shenzhi did not love me.

I think it was in that very moment that I gave up on Xie Shenzhi.

I clenched my teeth and forced my tears back. I used so much strength that even my voice sounded strained and bitter.

“Young Master Xie, you know there is a betrothal between the Xie family and the Su Family, don’t you?”

“Naturally I know. It’s just that this matter still needs to be discussed at length-”

I calmly cut him off.

“Second Young Master Xie is already married. A daughter of the Su Family will not become a concubine.”

“Then please convey this to your old madam.”

A faint smile rested on my face, while the hands hidden in my sleeves trembled uncontrollably.

I did my best to hold myself straight and spoke my final words to Xie Shenzhi.

“The betrothal cannot be canceled. Have your eldest brother come instead.”