The Empress Has No Will to Live - Chapter 2

Chapter 2

“Wuwu, Her Highness, how could you do something so rash…?” Three days had passed since the day I transmigrated, and the center-part Barbie little palace maid had barely left my side, spending every day washing her face with tears.

The moment my throat recovers, the first thing I’m doing is telling her to shut up. I rubbed at my throbbing temples, feeling as if I’d gone back to the first time I tried to kill myself.

A whole swarm of distant aunts and cousins had gathered around my hospital bed. Half of them were crying over me, and the other half were crying over my mom.

“She’s so young. How could she do something so rash?” “You really need to treat the child better.” “Take her to see someone. Do you want me to recommend a psychologist?”

Seeing my mother devastated on the side while also having to endure baseless suspicion and blame, I suddenly realized that dying freely was far harder than living freely.

It required long years of accumulation, burning through every last bit of your own value and prospects, before you could finally avoid the lofty pity of onlookers and say, without the slightest scruple, “I’ve lived enough.”

Just like me at thirty. I charged into the middle of the road in what was basically a suicide run to save a child, and the noisy discussions I heard right before I died were: “Thank goodness a kind person happened to be there. The child was saved.”

Who could have guessed that even after transmigrating, I still couldn’t escape the misplaced concern of strangers?

At some point, the little palace maid had gone quiet. She stood by the bed with her head lowered, absentmindedly picking at her fingers, without the slightest intention of leaving. Thanks to the emperor, there were at least five palace maids waiting outside the door to take shifts with her, watching over-monitoring-me day and night.

It wasn’t as if there had been absolutely no opportunities these past three days. As long as I hardened my heart and ignored whether the several dozen people of Xian’an Palace lived or died, I could just find any wall and slam the back of my head into it. I’d have an eighty percent chance of killing myself.

I secretly glanced at the little palace maid’s bloodshot eyes. Sigh. If I really could harden my heart, I wouldn’t have spent my last life taking medicine, seeing doctors, pretending to recover, and struggling to live for thirty years under my mother’s pleas.

Well, if I really counted it, I probably spent half that time in dreams. In my dreams, I lived for so, so long. Long enough for the world to end, and I still couldn’t die. So this was what it felt like for a dream to come true. It was far too painful.

In my daze, an imperial physician came to examine me. I forced my drowsy eyelids open and looked at him. White hair, flowing beard-he matched the stereotype perfectly.

“You… cough, cough… Her Highness… cough, cough… how do you feel?”

Honestly, I felt fine, but shouldn’t you take a look at yourself first, old sir? The moment the imperial physician opened his mouth, he broke into violent coughs. I could even vaguely see a smear of bright red on his handkerchief.

I gave a slight nod in acknowledgment and looked at him with burning eagerness. It probably wasn’t nice of me to think this, but I couldn’t stop myself from envying this old man who already had one foot in the grave.

From this angle, I could only see his chin, and he didn’t seem inclined to lower his head and look at me either. He focused on listening to the palace maid repeat my condition, then said, “Her Highness should be out of danger now, cough, cough.”

I was a little worried the elderly imperial physician might fail to catch his next breath and ride a crane off to the afterlife.

The palace maid finally asked what I had been thinking: “Are you all right?”

The imperial physician covered most of his face with his sleeve to keep his spittle from flying. “Perhaps the incense in Her Highness’s palace is too strong. Summer is approaching, and mosquitoes and insects are growing more numerous. Why don’t I make a blend of incense for Her Highness? It will not only aid sleep and calm the mind, but also repel mosquitoes and kill insects.”

I instinctively sniffed. It did seem a little choking, so I raised my hand and tapped once in the air to show my agreement.

The imperial physician understood and smiled, then said to the palace maid, “Please fetch brush and paper. I’ll leave a formula behind, and in the future you may make the incense according to it.”

The little palace maid’s expression instantly turned solemn and cryptic as she nodded. “I can’t be away for too long.” Then, ever so considerately, she shut the door and withdrew.

No, wait, Barbie, you’re making this very easy to misunderstand. Is something unspeakable about to happen between me and this old imperial physician?

All of a sudden, an icy hand pressed against the ligature marks on my neck. My sleepiness vanished in an instant. I jerked, every hair on my body standing on end, as a sinister whisper sounded beside my ear-

“What, have you gone soft? You actually tried to kill yourself. Heh.”

My eyes flew wide. I struggled to lift my neck, trying to get a clear look at the imperial physician’s expression.

But he looked completely normal, as if nothing had happened at all. His eyes half-lidded, he gazed straight ahead, and by the time the palace maid hurried back, he was already standing several meters away.

I almost suspected my delusions had relapsed-until I saw the imperial physician pick up the brush and write the formula.

Those hands were as wrinkled as his face, yet every stroke landed steady and precise on the paper, forming a stark contrast with his decrepit, candle-in-the-wind body.

Something seemed not quite right, but I had no time to investigate. The spot he had touched was beginning to burn and itch, as if a hundred bees had drilled into my neck to gather honey.

Just as I was about to reach up and scratch at the wound, the little palace maid reacted with lightning speed and pinned my hand down. Then she started sobbing and screaming, “Someone, come quickly! Her Highness is trying to hang herself again!”

No, I wasn’t… The internet says that when you strangle yourself with your own hands, you’ll eventually let go because your brain runs out of oxygen. I generally don’t choose methods with such poor cost performance.

Suicide should be fast, painless, and lethal in a single move. It wasn’t something you did as an experiment for fun.

But facts proved that hanging really wasn’t a very good choice. For example, if you failed to die, you would end up like me, pinned tightly to the bed by a crowd of palace maids, unable to even say, “I was just scratching an itch.”

Just as I was contemplating the biological question of whether a person could be tickled to death, a palace maid came in from outside carrying the freshly brewed medicine.

The rising steam carried a bitter, fishy stench that not only shot up my nose, but also stung my eyes. The instant that black, sticky medicinal liquid was poured into my mouth, I came to a profound realization: in my last life, I still hadn’t eaten enough bitterness.

When bitterness reached its absolute peak, it turned out to be numbness. Along with my tongue going numb, a torrent rushed straight to the crown of my head.

I couldn’t finish the medicine. I vomited until I could barely breathe, black liquid backflowing out through my nose. The palace maids and eunuchs all stood helplessly to the side, at a complete loss, looking exactly like my mother in my previous life.

Only the elderly imperial physician seemed to have expected this. He presented a white handkerchief, patted my back, and gently wiped my face.

I let out a sigh, then froze.

That sigh had been far too clear. I tried opening my mouth and made an “ah” sound. My voice was hoarse, like a rusty bicycle bell.

The center-part Barbie little palace maid was ecstatic. She dropped to her knees and blurted incoherently, “Her Highness can speak! By Heaven’s blessing, may Her Highness live a thousand years!”

I nearly rolled my eyes from sheer anger. Don’t curse me for no reason. Thirty years had already turned me into this mess-what would happen if I lived to a thousand?

“Go fetch a basin of water. Everyone else, withdraw.” I opened my mouth and sent the eunuchs away, then looked at the imperial physician with tears in my eyes. “Your medical skills truly can bring the dead back to life.”

The imperial physician narrowed his eyes in a smile and leaned close to my ear, murmuring in a voice only the two of us could hear, “Your Highness must not forget what you promised this subject. Sometimes, living is far more painful than dying.” With that, he casually handed the incense-making prescription to the little palace maid and politely took his leave.

I stared blankly at the elderly imperial physician’s trembling back, both shocked by the mystical ancient art of Chinese medicine and moved by what he had said-of course living was more painful than dying. It always was.

The palace maids repeatedly saw the imperial physician off, then solemnly placed the prescription into a wooden box. Anyone who didn’t know better would think they were hiding gold bars.

Thanks to the blessing of that “miracle-working divine doctor,” my injuries improved at a flying pace. During that time, the emperor came to see me a few times, and I blocked him with various excuses. Seeing that my usable excuses were running thinner and thinner, and having no idea how I was supposed to drive him away next time, I decided to take the initiative and find a foolproof way to die that wouldn’t implicate anyone else.

And so, under the palace maids’ layers upon layers of protection-encirclement-I walked out of Xian’an Palace.

The enormous imperial palace was heavily guarded, but there were always some places little palace maids had no authority to enter. For example, the Empress Dowager’s bedchamber.

If I went alone to pay my respects to the Empress Dowager and “accidentally” offended her with my words, I could seize a moment when she wasn’t paying attention to kill myself in apology. Or, to be a little more optimistic, it wasn’t impossible that I might directly receive an imperial decree ordering my death.

Since the emperor had used the palace maids to threaten me, then he couldn’t blame me for borrowing the Empress Dowager’s hand to execute myself. Iron laws and sacred decrees were made for commoners. I refused to believe the emperor would dare shout in front of the Empress Dowager, “Everyone present is to be executed without exception.”

Once I had a goal, even the scenery along the road seemed much brighter and more vivid. A breeze swept past, stirring ripples across the river.

Xian’an Palace and Cishun Palace were separated by a wide waterway, with a stone bridge connecting the two sides. As we drew closer and closer to the riverbank, the Barbie little palace maid grew visibly nervous. “Her Highness, why don’t we take another route?”

“What, are you afraid I’ll jump in?” I teased half-jokingly. “Don’t worry. It isn’t time yet.”

The palace maid’s face turned even paler. She seemed about to say more when a flamboyantly dressed group of people entered my field of vision in the distance.

The woman at their head, a pink-clad Big Peach Blossom, planted herself in front of me and blocked my path. The palace maids at my side all curtsied and greeted her. “Noble Consort, may you live a thousand years.”

My eyelid twitched. I looked closely, and sure enough, the beautiful Noble Consort’s face was practically carved with the words “here to make trouble.”

At the same time, the Noble Consort’s palace maids also moved in perfect unison and performed a deep salute to me, calling out with one voice, “Empress, may you enjoy boundless fortune and peace.”

That curse stabbed straight into my heart. It almost stabbed me out of existence.

“Are you feeling better, Sister?” Noble Consort Peach Blossom blinked her big, watery eyes and leaned in close. “I was just thinking of paying my respects to you. What a coincidence, running into you here.”

“Mm.” I had no desire to play at sisterly affection with her. I only wanted to get around her and see the Empress Dowager as soon as possible.

Big Peach Blossom seemed dissatisfied with my response and went on, “Sister, don’t be too upset. His Majesty has been terribly worried about you these past few days. Just let this undeserved disaster pass.”

“I understand. I am going to pay my respects to Mother Empress, so please step aside.” The stone bridge was not all that wide to begin with, and the Noble Consort’s grand procession had blocked it completely.

“Of course.”

I had already prepared myself to take the long way around, but Noble Consort Peach Blossom smiled sweetly and stepped aside. Seeing this, the palace maids behind her immediately lined up in a row, leaving more than enough space on the bridge.

So I had misjudged her. Big Peach Blossom was quite easy to talk to after all.

I walked in front. Just as I passed Big Peach Blossom, she suddenly grabbed my arm and shoved me hard.

I was still baffled by this sudden attack when Big Peach Blossom, like a pillow towel blown off by the wind, folded backward over the stone bridge railing from the waist.

“Ah!”

Splash.

A cry of alarm rang out with the sound of someone falling into the water. The Noble Consort’s palace maids panicked. “Someone, hurry! Her Highness has fallen into the water!”

Before the maid had even finished speaking, several agile figures leaped into the river and fished the fallen Peach Blossom out.

“What happened?” A dignified male voice cut through the chaos. The emperor had already reached the riverbank. Once those rescuers climbed ashore, they handed Big Peach Blossom over to the palace maids and consciously took their places behind the emperor.

I stood off to the side, dumbstruck. Was this… an immersive palace-intrigue experience?

“Peace and blessings to His Majesty!” Everyone present knelt before the emperor, visibly trembling.

“Yun’er, are you all right?” His Majesty held the dripping Peach Blossom in his arms, his distress written all over his face.

Ah-ha. So Big Peach Blossom was Noble Consort Yun.

Noble Consort Yun’s face was pale at that moment. Water droplets fell from her lashes, making her look pitiful yet still charming and coquettish. No wonder she was the emperor’s most beloved.

“This concubine is fine. I lost my footing just now and accidentally fell into the river, making Your Majesty worry.” Noble Consort Yun did not mention a single word of what had just happened. She merely stole a timid glance at me-and made sure the emperor saw her “stealing” that glance with perfect ease.

The emperor frowned and walked toward me. “You were right beside Yun’er just now. Why didn’t you pull her back?”

Before I could open my mouth, the young palace maid behind Noble Consort Yun said indignantly, “It was the Empress who pushed Noble Consort Yun, and that’s why…”

“Yangyue, silence.” Noble Consort Yun’s perfectly timed rebuke successfully dumped a massive black pot right onto my head. I nearly whistled for her on the spot. What a fantastic teammate!

His Majesty’s face instantly chilled. His eyes flashed coldly, and the moment he spoke, his tone was aggressive. “First, you falsely accused Noble Consort Yun of harming the imperial heir. When that failed, you pretended to hang yourself to prove your innocence. And now you dare to strike her in public. Empress, do you take me for nonexistent?”

Looking at Noble Consort Yun, drenched from head to toe, inspiration suddenly struck me. Maybe I did not need to go to the Empress Dowager at all. Wasn’t there a huge emperor standing right in front of me?

The corners of my mouth lifted. I slowed my tone and worked hard to arrange my face into a vicious expression. “Does Your Majesty wish to know why this concubine pushed Noble Consort Yun?”

As if she had not expected me to take the blame without a word, Noble Consort Yun was visibly stunned as well.

On the verge of exploding, the emperor forcefully suppressed his anger and waited for me to give him a satisfactory answer.

I took a small step forward until I was only half an arm’s length from the emperor. I exhaled slowly, then abruptly raised both hands and shoved the emperor hard. Using the force of the push to propel myself backward, I toppled straight into the river.

Unlike Noble Consort Yun, who had splashed at the surface to save herself, I did not struggle. I let myself spiral downward. I had already emptied the oxygen from my chest, so before long, I sank to the riverbed.

To make the guards’ rescue more difficult, I endured the dizzying lack of oxygen and tugged off the sash of my outer robe, intending to find a large rock and tie myself to it.

The river water was not particularly murky. With one glance, I found a suitable stone-except someone had beaten me to it. A corpse was tied to the round, heavy rock!

Although I was about to become exactly that sort of corpse myself, it did not stop me from being instantly scared unconscious by the swollen, mutilated dead body.

On a warm spring day when flowers were in bloom, I had planned to jump into the river and kill myself, only to be frightened to death before I could drown.

This was probably what people meant by “life is unpredictable, and death is fated.”