Symbiosis - Chapter 7

I paused. My first thought was that he suspected I’d tampered with it.

That was only natural. I had a history of it.

He couldn’t speak now because I had poisoned him mute.

But I really didn’t want to hurt him again.

I knew I’d been wrong.

“It’s not poison. It’s ordinary stomach medicine,” I whispered, lowering my head. “You saw me take it out of the packet.”

“I know you haven’t poisoned it.” Perhaps he thought I couldn’t see his signs with my head down. He took my chin and tilted my face up a little, then continued.

“I’m not doubting you. I’m just asking why you want me to take it.”

“Because you’re ill. Didn’t you say you felt awful?” I watched him as I spoke, stroking the back of his hand. “The medicine will help.”

He bit his lip and signed, “Does it hurt you when I’m ill?”

Without hesitating, I nodded. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I…” Suddenly, speaking was difficult.

But after only a few seconds, I stammered out, “I love you.”

My voice dwindled as I spoke, until the last words were almost inaudible.

But he was very close. He must have heard.

His quiet, dark eyes met mine for a long, long time.

Then he raised his hands and signed very slowly:

“I don’t believe you love me. Not at all.”

It was as though a fist had struck me out of nowhere. My head swam. The instant I understood, I almost hated myself for knowing sign language. Helplessly, I pressed my hand over his and shook my head, unable to speak.

He pulled his hand free and went on.

“If I loved someone, I couldn’t bear to let him hurt.”

“I—I can’t bear it either,” I stumbled out. “It hurts me too.”

I bit my lower lip without thinking and added, looking into his eyes, “It really does.”

“Then why did you do that to me?” His brow tightened, as though he was confronting someone who’d told an outrageous lie. His agitation grew, and his hands moved faster.

“Those three years were terrible, Shen Yi.”

“I was always in pain.”

He signed as though accusing me.

“You locked me up, but you hardly ever came to see me.”

He paused, lowered his eyes a little, and his hands gradually slowed.

“You hardly ever kissed me either.”

“You didn’t really care about me, Shen Yi.”

“That’s not true.” Watching his lowered lashes, I felt the dull ache in my chest slowly sharpen instead of easing.

I could barely breathe.

“It’s not that I didn’t care.” My voice sounded painfully rough, like an old machine about to break down.

In our last life, he’d never told me his thoughts like this.

He hadn’t told me he was in pain or that he felt awful.

Not even when I broke his legs, chained him up, and shut him in the basement.

My fingers curled without my noticing. I wanted to hold him, but feared he would resist. After hesitating several times, I finally couldn’t help laying my hand gently over his.

Even his hands were beautiful: slender, long fingers, distinct knuckles, skin as smooth and warm-looking as fine white Xiuyan jade.

When I took his hand, his fingers trembled almost imperceptibly.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see you.” My eyes grew hot. Speaking was becoming unbearably hard.

But he seemed so sad.

For no reason, and quite irrationally, I felt he needed me to explain. I fought the obstruction in my throat and the urge to escape, forcing myself to continue.

“I was afraid you didn’t want to see me. That’s why I didn’t dare come often.”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Xie Zhao. I know I did terrible things. But when I say I love you, I’m not lying.”

The bloody facts of our last life stood between us. I couldn’t deny the harm I’d done or erase his three years of hopelessness and pain.

But my feelings were real.

Laughable as it sounded, what had driven me mad enough to do those things to him had truly been my love for him too.