This Is the Woman I Am - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I was born in Duke Zhenguo’s Mansion. My father died young, and my elder brother was sickly.

My mother cried from night until dawn and from dawn until night, until I finally said to her:

“What good is crying? All you do is cry every day. You’ll cry all our good fortune away.”

With that, I slung my bundle over my shoulder and went off to attend classes at the Imperial Academy.

After ten years of bitter study, I finally passed the imperial examination in one glorious stroke.

My mother said, “Oh dear. It was one thing for you to dress as a man and go to school, but now you’ve passed as the Tanhua. What are we supposed to do? Should we switch your identity back?”

I glanced at my sickly elder brother.

“With that body of his? He’d vomit three sheng of blood just from drinking with people, work for three months, drop dead in the middle of court, and then the whole family would have to live off his pitiful death benefits? Is that the plan?”

My brother lowered his head shyly.

My mother pursed her lips. “Then won’t you have to become an official? Since ancient times, when has there ever been a woman in office?”

With a perfectly solemn expression, I put on my official robes.

“Isn’t this all for you two? Otherwise, would I need to suffer such a terrible grievance?”

In the mirror, I looked every inch a well-dressed scoundrel. I split my mouth in a grin.

Heh heh~

What was so great about being a woman compared to being an official?

I now drew a monthly salary of five hundred measures of grain. Every old and young mouth in the household had to eat according to my mood. Once I stepped through the door, I was the biggest boss in the house; once I stepped outside, I had people to carry me before I’d even taken three steps.

The work was easy too. It was the bureaucracy, after all. Every day, I attended court to curse people out, then followed my colleagues after court to the brothel to drink wine and listen to music.

Life could not have been better!

Wiping her tears, my mother said, “But if you keep dressing as a man, won’t you be unable to marry for the rest of your life?”

“This is the enormous sacrifice I have made for this family. If not for you two, if not for the one hundred and forty-five people in this mansion, I would never have needed to brave the dust and wind outside just to earn a mouthful of rice, enduring everyone else’s disdain.”

I sprawled across the grand armchair and sighed in deep anguish. “I want sweet-and-sour pork ribs for dinner.”

“Right away.” My mother shouted toward the window, “His Lordship wants sweet-and-sour pork ribs tonight! Did you hear that? Hurry up and make them!”

Unfortunately, my happy days soon came to an end.

One day after court, the emperor summoned me to the Imperial Study to discuss state affairs.

Halfway through, he stepped out for a bit. Bored from waiting, I started looking here and touching there.

And that was when I discovered a little painting on the imperial desk.

Although it was only half finished, I could still tell that the young man in the painting was fair, youthful, and graceful in every way.

The more I looked, the more familiar he seemed. Then I suddenly slapped my thigh. Wasn’t this fucking me?

So I had been sitting across from him, discussing the vital matters of the realm, while he sat there drawing me?

Why was he drawing me?!

Could he be…

An extremely bold guess abruptly emerged in my mind.

Back during the palace examination, the instant I raised my head, His Majesty’s eyes lit up. “I declare him the zhuangyuan of this examination.”

The ministers on either side cried out that he must not. “Li Zhang’s essay is inferior to the first two candidates’.”

“Zhang Ci and Chu Wenxiao are ugly.” His Majesty picked up the vermilion brush and was about to circle my name.

In the end, the entire court of civil and military officials clung to his sleeve, and he, full of resentment, awarded me the Tanhua position instead.

After I became an official, His Majesty also treated me with extraordinary generosity, handing me money whenever he had a reason-or no reason at all.

Whenever the court erupted into argument, he would habitually call on me. “Yuru, what do you think?”

As a result, every time His Majesty flew into a rage, my colleagues would habitually shove me into the Imperial Study to coax him down.

One time, the moment I stepped over the threshold, His Majesty grabbed a jade pixiu and was about to smash it at someone while roaring, “Get out!”

Then he saw it was me, silently set the jade pixiu down, and said, “We misspoke. We shall write a self-reproach edict at once.”

Me: “…There is really no need for His Majesty to do that. Everyone has emotional ups and downs.”

His Majesty insisted, “Our temper is not usually so explosive. Truly, Yuru, you must believe Us. This must be an evil spirit possessing Us. Yes, that must be it-summon the State Preceptor!”

In the end, the matter concluded with the State Preceptor jumping rope for three days and three nights.

And when I thought back to the gentle warmth in his eyes whenever he looked at me…

Those soft-spoken words, every syllable lowered and tender…

And all the overtime I had done while staying in the palace…

Holy shit!

He couldn’t possibly have feelings for me, could he?

“Yuru, Yuru.” A clear, mellow voice suddenly sounded behind me. “What are you thinking about so intently?”

I whipped around.

The emperor was only half a foot away from me.

With his hands clasped behind his back, he leaned forward slightly, his handsome, swordlike brows and bright eyes carrying a hint of teasing.

I instantly sensed disaster. “Ah, His Majesty is back. Then shall we continue…”

“Why is your face so pale?” His Majesty asked worriedly, reaching out to touch my cheek. “Someone, summon the imperial physicians! If they cannot cure him, have them buried with him!”

The moment those words came out, my heart lurched.

If he was already threatening to bury the imperial physicians with me, then my guess had to be right!

In the spring of the Third Year of Qingli, just as my official career had begun, I encountered a fatal question.

-My immediate superior had taken a fancy to me.

-And there seemed to be something a little wrong with his orientation.