This Is the Woman I Am - Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Did I spend ten bitter years studying by a cold window and enter officialdom just so I could have my disguise exposed overnight and become some imperial concubine?

No! Absolutely not!

My life was supposed to go like this: pass the imperial examination, marry a virtuous wife, and then, with her wholehearted support, become a powerful minister of my generation, bring glory to my family, and have my name recorded in the histories.

That was the life plan I had made for myself.

I could not allow the Emperor’s romantic feelings for me to cut off my career! My ideals!

So that very night, I ran to the Grand Chancellor and stabbed the Emperor in the back.

“His Majesty is getting on in years, yet there is no one in the harem. It is time he took a wife. Staying single forever is hardly proper.”

The Grand Chancellor and I hit it off immediately. “Lord Li speaks with perfect sense. I was thinking the same thing!”

Only then did I relax.

Although the Emperor possibly, perhaps, might have certain ideas about me, as long as we gave him a wife, sigh, he would soon forget all about me. What man didn’t like having a wife?

At court the next morning, the Grand Chancellor cupped his hands before His Majesty in front of all the civil and military officials.

“His Majesty has ruled personally for many years. He ought to establish an Empress. A nation cannot go a day without an Empress!”

I chimed in from the side. “Exactly, exactly.”

The Emperor’s face sank like still water.

Then the Grand Chancellor abruptly changed direction. “This official believes the young lady of Duke Zhenguo’s Mansion-Lord Li’s younger sister-is quite suitable. What does everyone think?”

The entire court of civil and military officials: “Exactly, exactly.”

Me: “Huh?”

The Emperor glanced at me. “Then We shall visit Duke Zhenguo’s Mansion today to have a look.”

Me: ???

As everyone knew, Duke Zhenguo’s Mansion had only one young lady.

And that was me.

After court was dismissed, I went to find the Grand Chancellor. “Why did you bring up my sister out of nowhere?”

The Grand Chancellor looked calm and inscrutable.

“Did Lord Li not come to me because you wished to recommend your esteemed sister as the Empress?”

“I understand! I understand! Rest assured. the Emperor treats the Li Clan with such favor, and your family has produced high ministers for four generations. This marriage is as good as settled.”

“Allow me to congratulate Lord Li in advance on becoming the imperial uncle. Congratulations, congratulations!”

Congratulations, my ass!

I came to you to stab the Emperor in the back, not so you could stab me in the back!

These old foxes in officialdom were truly despicable.

I returned home after court, just as I was wondering where I could find some pretty young lady to fob him off with, when my mother came running back in high spirits. “I heard the Emperor wants to marry you!”

“Where did you hear that?”

My mother proudly flicked her handkerchief.

“Our noblewomen’s circle is very well informed, all right? Sigh, you’ve been disguising yourself as a man for so many years, and I’ve always worried you wouldn’t be able to marry. Now this is perfect. His Majesty wants to establish you as the Empress.”

“How sweet. What kind of Butterfly Lovers plot is this? You and he really are fated.”

I snapped coldly, “Are you expecting him to lift the red bridal veil, discover it’s me, and then be overjoyed? This is the crime of deceiving the sovereign. It gets nine generations of the clan executed.”

“He’ll be coming soon to inspect me as a marriage candidate. The lives of all one hundred and forty-five people in this mansion depend on today.”

My mother jumped in fright. “Then can’t you just change into women’s clothes to meet him? I hear he’s always liked you quite a lot. If you’re dressed as a woman, he should love you too, right?”

“He’s not stupid. What brother and sister look exactly the same? Besides, everyone knows our family’s two children aren’t twins.”

“Then what do we do?”

After pondering it over and over, I said, “Have my brother dress as a woman.”

My brother, who was embroidering, lifted his head in shock.

“I pretended to be you. Now it’s your turn to pretend to be me.” A venomous scheme gradually took shape in my mind. “When he comes today, you meet him once. If he doesn’t take a fancy to you, we’ll be past this hurdle.”

“What if he does take a fancy to me?” my brother asked in terror.

“Then get married. What else can you do?”

“I’m a man. How can I marry someone?” My brother rose to his feet in grief and indignation.

“What is that supposed to mean? Why can’t a man marry someone?” I flew into a rage. “You eat the family’s food, use the family’s things, and the mansion gives you the very best of everything. Now that you’ve grown up, you spend all day cooped up in the inner quarters and make no contribution to the family whatsoever. It isn’t easy for someone to finally take a liking to you, and now you’re feeling wronged because we’re asking you to marry? What, were you planning to mooch off the family for the rest of your life? That is the reigning His Majesty! If you become the Empress, not only will I have support in the outer court, the Li Clan will gain face as well! What, are you afraid I won’t give you a dowry?”

My brother ran away crying.

“Go talk him around. A perfectly fine young man, and yet he’s so narrow-minded.” I instructed my mother.

My mother answered, “Mm. He just can’t accept it right away. I know you’re doing this for his own good too.”

Wasn’t I just?

Why was I making him go?

Wasn’t it because His Majesty’s preferences were a complete mystery?

What if this was exactly what he liked?

Wouldn’t it be perfect if the two of them ended up together?

That afternoon, His Majesty arrived in imperial procession at the Li residence, and I brought him to the rear garden to meet my brother.

“This is my humble sister,” I introduced him to His Majesty.

My brother wore a long dress that trailed along the ground. Frail as a willow in the wind, his face pale and sickly, he had a rather seductive air of a beauty clutching her heart in distress.

When he met His Majesty’s gaze, he raised his round silk fan, lowered his head in shame, and hid behind it.

“Your sister is… rather tall and imposing.” His Majesty frowned, looking straight across at my brother’s brows and eyes as though the sight pained him, then turned gently toward me. “We prefer someone a bit more petite.”

My brother and I looked at my mother at the same time.

Of the three of us, she was the shortest.

His Majesty was horrified. “We did not mean her! She’s forty!”

Now my mother was not happy.

“What do you mean, forty? So what if I’m forty? I am still the widow with the liveliest front gate in the entire capital. Who are you looking down on?”

His Majesty smiled apologetically. “We misspoke. Please do not take offense, Madam. It is only that We are indeed still young, and the whole court of civil and military officials would not permit Us to marry a widow-of course, We personally hold absolutely no prejudice against widows. A widow such as Madam is naturally excellent. Mm.”

My mother covered her lips and laughed, then reached out to poke his chest. “What a sweet little mouth you have.”

I felt His Majesty shudder violently. I hurriedly hid him behind me and warned my mother, “He was just being polite. Don’t try anything.”

My mother looked rather disappointed.

After I chased my mother and my elder brother away, I turned to His Majesty. “So, what does the Emperor think of this arranged meeting?”

“Your younger sister is a fine young lady. I will arrange a wonderful marriage for her, one that will absolutely not demean her in the slightest,” His Majesty vowed.

Sigh. In other words, he hadn’t taken a fancy to her.

But that was fine too. One less thing to worry about.

“Then His Majesty can go look at other families. There are plenty of eligible young ladies in the capital.”

“Are you trying to drive me away? I finally managed to leave the palace for once…” He lowered his eyes and glanced around. “Since I’m already here, won’t you show me around?”

“I want to know what kind of residence you read and write in every day after court.”

His eyes were clear and bright, tender yet cautious.

I pressed a hand to my forehead. “…Fine, then.”

I led him around the estate. “This is where I live.”

He walked in happily, looking here and touching there, and even sat down on my bed.

Then his expression changed drastically.

From under his backside, he pulled out a pink dudou.

“Why are there women’s clothes in your room?! Don’t tell me you’ve been keeping concubines behind my back!”

Strictly speaking, whether I kept concubines or not had nothing to do with him.

But in that instant, faced with the wrath of the Son of Heaven and that glaringly pink dudou, somehow, I lost my nerve.

Trembling, I said, “No, listen to me explain…”

His Majesty said, “Go on. Make your excuses!”

My brain short-circuited. “This subject… has always been fond of women’s clothing.”

The Emperor fell silent.

He held that pink dudou as if he had turned into a stone statue.

The entire room went terrifyingly quiet.

Then-

Two bright-red streams of blood suddenly spurted from his nose.

When my mother came in with water, she was scared out of her wits. “Why are you beating His Majesty? Is the Emperor someone you can just hit whenever you like?”

“That’s not it. He has a nosebleed. Hurry and leave.”

My mother looked back every few steps. “Play nicely, all right? No fighting, and no shouting.”

She was exactly like the parent of a high school boy whose classmate had come over to play.

After my mother left, the room sank back into silence.

“You have… such a niche hobby?” What had to come had come. The Emperor pressed an ice pack to his nose and stole glances at me.

I had already prepared my explanation.

“I was sickly from birth, so my family raised me like a girl. I grew up wearing red skirts and rouge, all the way until I took the imperial examinations.”

His Majesty’s face reddened slightly. “Then why have I never seen you in women’s clothing?”

“This is just a personal hobby. I only indulge in it privately for my own enjoyment. Why would I wear it for others to see?”

His Majesty looked both relieved and disappointed. “Mm. Good thing no one else has seen it…”

He stood up, clasped his hands behind his back, and strolled around the room twice. Then he reached out to fiddle with my clothes rack and caught sight of a ruqun.

“This outfit uses excellent fabric, the color is vivid, the workmanship is gorgeous, and the cut is fashionable. Not bad. Not bad at all.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“There is one matter on which I would like to ask your guidance.”

“His Majesty may speak.”

“I still cannot imagine what you would look like wearing hairpins and skirts.”

My expression cooled. “Surely the Emperor is not going to make this subject wear women’s clothing.”

“Of course not! How could I be that sort of person?! You are my trusted minister and my best friend. How could I make you dress as a woman for my viewing pleasure? Would that not be an insult to you?”

His Majesty flung his sleeve and presented me with a staunch, unyielding back to demonstrate his ironclad integrity.

He took a few steps, then turned back and declared with righteous conviction, “Even if you were to wear it, I would wear it with you. That way, you would not think I was toying with you and tarnishing the bond between sovereign and subject.”

Me: ?????????

What the hell?

This scheming man wanted to become a cross-dressing icon with me?!

Did wearing women’s clothing together somehow not tarnish the bond between sovereign and subject?

Would you dare say that in front of the entire court?

“If we are brothers, then we should charge through mountains of blades and seas of fire together. If you wear women’s clothing and I do not, then I am being disloyal. Yuru, what do you think?”

“I think we should forget it.”

“Why? You are well versed in this art, and I would very much like to learn from you. Please, offer me a few pointers.” His Majesty’s face was full of sincerity.

“I only have one pair of eyes. I do not dare look at His Majesty in women’s clothing.”

His Majesty was not upset by my jab. He only said modestly, “Then I certainly would not be as beautiful as you.”

After saying that, the corners of his mouth curved up slightly. “So Yuru is very confident in how you look in women’s clothing. In that case, you must be quite beautiful.”

“Stop thinking about women’s clothing!”

“Forgive me. I misspoke.” His Majesty returned to normal and began casually touring the other rooms.

When I finally saw him to his carriage, he had already stepped inside, yet he still turned back to nag at me. “There is one more matter on which I would like your guidance.”

“Say it quickly.”

He took that pink dudou out from his robes.

“Yuru, when you attend court every day, are you truly all prim and proper on the outside while secretly wearing this adorable little dudou underneath?”

“Even when you come to the Imperial Study to answer my questions?”

Silently, I plucked the dudou from his fingertips, shoved him hard into the carriage, and dearly wished I could kick him a couple of times for good measure.