This Is the Woman I Am - Chapter 3

Chapter 3

After that, the way the Emperor looked at me changed from “a good brother kept at a polite distance” to “damn, you’re kinky.jpg.”

I felt as though I had flipped some incredible switch in him and opened the door to a whole new world.

Some things, when you don’t know about them, you don’t think about them.

But once you do know, they’re like a brand burned into your thoughts. You can never get them out of your head.

For example: the pink bellyband in His Majesty’s mind.

If what he felt for me before had been a pure, angsty, forbidden love, now it had taken on a very restless undertone.

I decided to consult a master of romance about how to make him give up on me.

The master of romance lived in the pleasure quarters. She was the top courtesan of Tianxiang Tower.

That day, as usual, after getting off work, I went out to eat and drink with my colleagues and asked her to keep us company.

“Here’s the situation. I have a friend who has run into a very tricky problem. He’s a county magistrate over in Sichuan, and his immediate superior happens to be a fellow jinshi from the same exam year. Not only are they close friends, but that superior also once helped advance his career. Recently, my friend feels like the way his superior looks at him has become a little… off. He doesn’t want to offend his superior, but he absolutely cannot submit to him either, and he doesn’t want to damage their friendship. After all, it’s not easy to make a friend. He can’t fall out with him over something like this. How do you think this workplace emotional conflict should be handled?”

“The Emperor has fallen for you, huh?” the courtesan said, picking up food with her chopsticks without even looking up.

I was in awe. I had disguised it so heavily. “No, he hasn’t. That’s not it. Don’t go making things up.”

The courtesan said, utterly unfazed, “What exactly would he have fallen for? The fact that you come to a pleasure house to drink every night? If he knew what kind of person you were, he’d rein himself in at the edge of the cliff too. What kind of taste would that be? Out of all the people in the world, he chooses to fall in love with a scumbag? He’s the Emperor, not a masochist.”

I was enlightened. “You’re right! I’m a scumbag. What am I afraid of? Who would fall for me? Hahahahahaha!”

I had the Censorate impeach me, saying I spent every day at Tianxiang Tower drinking with courtesans. I wrote the memorial myself, personally, with the core theme being: I roast myself.

As a result, the memorial had barely been sent into the palace, and I had not even gotten through two sips of wine, when the door to the room was kicked open.

His Majesty had come out incognito, a long whip at his waist. With fire in his eyes, he seized my wrist. “Li Zhang! So you really are here drowning yourself in wine and women!”

I was dumbfounded. “Uh, wait a second… I’m a scholar-official, she’s a courtesan, and we’re in a feudal society. This counts as legal consumption. I’m not breaking the law!”

“Correct.” His Majesty’s expression was icy as he directly tied both my hands and strung me up from the rafters. “But I intend to break the law now.”

He pulled out the memorial from inside his robes, the ink on it not even dry yet, and flicked the long whip in his right hand. “So every day after court, you come here to fool around?!”

With that, the whip cracked beside my feet.

I was so frightened I shrieked, “Ahh~”

His Majesty’s face twisted.

The hand holding the whip trembled slightly.

He asked the courtesan, who was eating a bun off to the side, “Does he usually cry out like that?”

Tears in my eyes, I shook my head. “No!”

The courtesan swallowed her bun and said to the Emperor, “I know you’re anxious, but don’t be anxious yet. Lord Li does indeed frequent our pleasure houses, but he remains pure and untouched. You may rest assured.”

His Majesty flew into a rage. “You think I would believe nonsense like that?”

The courtesan brought out the ultimate move. “It’s true. He can’t perform.”

Me: “Huh?”

I exploded.

His Majesty fell silent.

The courtesan aired out that silence until it was dry. “You know, the more someone lacks something, the more they want to prove they have it. Don’t be fooled by him drinking and making merry all day. In truth, he’s bitter inside. You’re a man too. You understand.”

The Emperor walked a few steps, twirling the whip between his fingers. He looked up at me, pale with fear, then half-believing, half-doubting, took out the memorial.

“If he has such a hidden affliction, why are you all still so close with him? The memorial says he is wanton by nature and extremely popular in places of pleasure.”

“Of course he is. He has plenty of money and causes little trouble. He even writes erotic stories for us. The sisters all like him very much and fight over who gets to keep him company. At night, we gather around to listen to him read his stories. It’s delightful.”

“I treated you all like sisters, and this is how you see me!” I shed tears of sorrow.

“Oh, stop it. You’ve also made off with quite a few of our hairpins,” the courtesan said with great flair.

His Majesty’s expression eased somewhat. “So in truth, when you gather together, it is merely to hone your skills in women’s clothing?”

“You wear women’s clothing too?” The courtesan narrowed her eyes and looked at me.

My face flushed bright red. “I do not!”

His Majesty said solemnly, “Correct. He does not. Do not speak nonsense.”

The courtesan looked at him, then at me, gave a dry chuckle, shook her head, and drank a cup of wine to calm herself.

The moment I saw that look in her eyes, I knew my reputation was finished.

Starting tomorrow, the entire capital would know not only that I couldn’t perform, but that I also liked cross-dressing!

His Majesty untied me, slung me over his shoulder, and carried me all the way back to Zhaoyang Hall.

By the time I finished crying, I was already on the dragon bed.

“Today was my fault. I frightened you.” His Majesty held my hand, his eyes full of guilt. “How could you have such a serious problem with your body and drink alone in bitterness instead of telling me? I am different from those women outside. They will only laugh at you behind your back. Unlike me. I will only feel sorry for my beloved minister.”

After saying that, he beckoned. “Summon the imperial physician.”

“I won’t be examined!” I shrieked.

The imperial physician would be able to tell whether I was male or female the moment he took my pulse. Wouldn’t that blow my cover instantly?

I could have my cover blown anywhere, but absolutely not on the dragon bed. That was far too dangerous.

His Majesty assumed my resistance came entirely from a man’s wounded dignity. He sat by the bed and comforted me softly.

“Yuru, there is no need to hide an illness and avoid treatment. You are still young, and the imperial physicians are highly skilled. There will certainly be a way. Even if it truly cannot be cured…”

He paused, then bravely glanced at me, blushing all the way to the tips of his ears.

“…that does not mean you can never enjoy the pleasures of the bedchamber for the rest of your life. There are always more solutions than problems. After all, you still have me, don’t you?”

I suspected he was making dirty jokes!

But I had no proof!

The corner of my eye twitched. “Many thanks for the Emperor’s kindness, but I just… miss my mother.”

His Majesty: ?

I nodded gravely. “I’m a mama’s boy. I can’t sleep at night if I don’t see my mother.”

I refused to believe that after learning I was scum and a mama’s boy, he could still keep going!

But His Majesty was His Majesty after all, capable of feats beyond ordinary men.

He looked suddenly enlightened and patted my hand with admiration.

“Yuru is deeply filial to his mother. Good-someone, hurry to Duke Zhenguo’s Mansion and invite the Grand Madam of the Duke Zhenguo Estate for an audience.”

My mother soon came through the doors. She had clearly jogged the whole way here and still hadn’t caught her breath.

When she saw me lying on the dragon bed, she sucked in a sharp breath, burst into tears, and threw herself at me.

“I knew it! The Emperor had designs on you, and sure enough, today you’ve become an imperial consort! Hurry, tell me-how did His Majesty perform?”

“Keep your voice down!” I whipped my head around. Only after making sure I had chased everyone else away did I lower my voice and say, “His Majesty thinks there’s something wrong with my body and wants to summon an imperial physician to examine me. I said I was too tired today and wanted to rest first, so he let me off. But I won’t be able to escape tomorrow morning. Tonight, you have to think of a way to make sure I don’t get exposed tomorrow.”

“Turn you into a man overnight?” My mother rolled her eyes and slumped onto a nearby seat, utterly dispirited. “Your mother only had that ability on the night she gave birth to you.”

“I only need you to make my pulse a little strange so no one can tell I’m a woman! Hurry up and use those noblewomen connections of yours!”

For the sake of all one hundred and forty-five lives in our household, my mother agreed.

“Actually, there is a simpler way. We could call the Emperor over right now and then…” She secretly pulled my pink dudou out from inside her robes and held it up against her chest.

“Get lost!”

Even if I died, even if I jumped down from here, I would never become some damned palace consort!

I wanted to become Manager of Affairs with the Secretariat-Chancellery!

As a woman, one had to have backbone!

The next day, my mother snuck into the palace early in the morning and poured two bottles of potion down my throat. After swallowing them, I found the taste absolutely foul. “What the hell is this?”

“Tianzhu Divine Oil.”

“Huh?”

“Huh, nothing. The Emperor is here.” My mother pinched me, and I hurriedly went pale and frail, weak enough to be blown over by a breeze.

His Majesty sat down beside me and let me lean into his arms. “The imperial physician is here. Let him take a look.”

The imperial physician reached out to take my pulse.

“Wait.” His Majesty stopped him, then took out a silk handkerchief and carefully draped it over my wrist. “All right.”

The imperial physician, my mother, and I: …

He did have a few extremely gay-coded tendencies.

The imperial physician took my pulse for a very, very long time.

His face turned a colorful shade of black.

Off to the side, His Majesty comforted my mother.

“I know everything about Yuru’s condition. Madam, you mustn’t feel any pressure either. With the imperial physician here, everything can be discussed. Even if we have to empty the palace treasury, he must be treated. And even if things truly reach the worst possible point, and he can’t carry on the Li family line, there is still the old saying-a son-in-law is half a son.”

“My son, with those words from you, Mother can rest easy.” My mother pressed a hand to his shoulder and took out a silk handkerchief to dab at her eyes.

“I’m still here,” I couldn’t help reminding them, hoping they wouldn’t start claiming kinship too early.

At last, the imperial physician finished taking my pulse and withdrew his hand with a grave expression.

“Well?” the Emperor asked urgently.

The imperial physician looked utterly baffled. “Lord Li’s pulse is truly bizarre, unlike anything I have ever encountered in my life. There is a kidney deficiency within the yin chill, a trace of yang depletion within the greasiness, and…”

“And what?”

The imperial physician hesitated. “There is also… a slight sign of a pregnancy pulse…”

“A pregnancy pulse?!” My mother shot to her feet. “What does that mean? She’s pregnant?”

His Majesty looked as though he had been struck by a bolt from the blue. “How could he be pregnant?”

“Exactly, how could she be pregnant?! Did you do this?” my mother demanded, glaring at him.

“It wasn’t me!” His Majesty was shocked.

“If it wasn’t you, who else could it be?” my mother interrogated him.

“That’s right! If it wasn’t me, who else could it be?” His Majesty snapped back to his senses, flew into a rage once more, and took the long whip down from the wall. “Li Zhang, you are going to explain yourself today!”

For fuck’s sake. With the entire situation in complete chaos, what was I supposed to say?

Just then, there was a sudden thud from outside the door.

His Majesty said, “Who is it?”

A palace attendant came to report, “The Grand Chancellor came for an audience, but he fainted in front of the door!”

His Majesty grew suspicious. “Of all the times to faint, why did he faint now? Is he feeling guilty?!”

I couldn’t help slapping my thigh. “The Grand Chancellor is eighty!”

“Exactly, he’s eighty, and I’m only twenty-four. Does that make any sense?” His Majesty stared at my stomach with red-rimmed eyes, both hurt and furious.

Seeing that this man’s brain had completely turned into paste, I had my mother drag him aside and ordered the imperial physician to save the Grand Chancellor first.

The Grand Chancellor woke up, and the Emperor had also calmed down enough to face the biological differences between men and women. However, he was still puzzled as to why the Grand Chancellor had fainted.

“This old minister came for an audience and heard the Emperor and Lord Li arguing inside the hall.”

“And then?”

“I was frightened unconscious by the homosexuality,” the Grand Chancellor said mildly.

The Emperor and I: …

Somehow, word of what happened in Zhaoyang Hall that day leaked out. Rumors spread through court that I had secretly given birth to a Crown Prince for the Emperor.

I originally thought that was already absurd enough, but even more absurd things came after.

Because, as everyone knew, I was a “man,” and by all rights, I couldn’t give birth to a Crown Prince.

So in the rumors, what I gave birth to was a civet cat!

I had stolen someone else’s son, swapped him with my little civet cat, and made him the Crown Prince for His Majesty. Thus, it became The Civet Cat Exchanged for the Crown Prince.

What the hell was that?!

Why was I still being targeted by sexual rumors when I was already a man?!

All of this was clearly His Majesty’s fault. This man was absolutely toxic!

And so began my long, drawn-out cold war with him.