Dare Not Speak Aloud - Chapter 2

On the day Xiao Huaijing returned to Taiji Hall, I brought many people with me.

Nearly everyone in the court who could attend had come.

They followed behind me, kneeling all the way from Star-Picking Tower to Taiji Hall.

The young emperor walked at the very front.

Half a step behind, I watched his back.

He held himself perfectly straight.

The hem of his dragon robe swept across the jade steps like a sheet of dark, cold water.

In my previous life, this road had been far too difficult for him.

I had worried about everything, always afraid someone would bully him.

Back then, I kept him locked in the tower, and all affairs of state passed through my hands.

The court officials cursed me for holding the Son of Heaven hostage to command the realm.

Yet for all their curses, seven out of every ten secret memorials they submitted concealed the intention to kill him.

I killed too many people. By the end, even I felt my hands were filthy.

But I could not stop.

The moment I stopped, the young emperor would not survive.

I had forgotten, however, that the young sapling had long since grown into a towering tree.

Now he took his seat upon the dragon throne once more.

I knelt below the imperial steps.

Behind me, the assembled officials bowed their heads with me. “We beseech Your Majesty to assume personal rule.”

Xiao Huaijing sat upon the dragon throne.

I did not raise my head, but I could feel his gaze fixed on me.

Only after a long time did he speak. “Has Imperial Uncle arranged everything for Us again?”

I said softly, “This subject is merely returning to Your Majesty what should have been returned.”

He tapped an armrest once.

I closed my eyes.

“Whatever Your Majesty desires, this subject will help Your Majesty obtain it.”

Someone in the hall sucked in a sharp breath.

Xiao Huaijing suddenly asked, “Then what if We say We desire Imperial Uncle?”

He sat upon the dragon throne, his expression mild, but his fingers were digging into the armrest.

“Will you give yourself to Us?”

My fingertips curled slightly.

He continued, “When We are cold, ill, or unable to sleep at night—when We can think of no one but Imperial Uncle—will Imperial Uncle give yourself to Us then as well?”

His voice trailed off in a gentle lilt.

It reminded me of the night in my previous life when his illness had been at its worst in Star-Picking Tower.

The fever had reddened the corners of his eyes. Clinging to my sleeve, he asked whether I meant to leave him alone in the tower again.

He said he liked Imperial Uncle and only wanted Imperial Uncle to stay with him.

Scalding tears fell onto the back of my hand.

I stayed with him through the entire night.

The next morning, he woke, saw me there, and smiled sweetly at me.

But afterward, the rumors became deafening.

I did not know when it began, but even he came to believe I intended to seize power and usurp the throne.

I pressed my forehead to the floor.

“This subject will be loyal to Your Majesty forever.”

The hall fell silent.

Xiao Huaijing said, “That is not what We were talking about.”

I closed my eyes. “This subject knows he is guilty. I beg Your Majesty not to tease this subject again.”

Seated high above me, he remained silent for a long time before giving a small laugh.

“Fine.”

His voice was as soft as shattered porcelain.

“Imperial Uncle is so very kind.”

I learned that Xiao Huaijing was to take consorts half a month later.

At the time, I was in the study of my princely residence, looking through the military registers of the northern frontier.

Now that Xiao Huaijing had assumed personal rule, I had to hand over military authority.

Several people in the northern territories recognized only me, not the tally of command.

That would never do.

The one they must obey was the emperor, not me, Xie Changling.

When my attendant entered, his face was whiter than the sheet of paper in his hand.

He had served me for years and seen every manner of thing. Whatever had made him look like this could hardly be trivial.

I asked, “What is it?”

The attendant swallowed.

“Your Highness, news has come from the palace.”

He hesitated for a moment before stammering, “Her Majesty the Empress Dowager intends to select consorts for His Majesty.”

The brush in my hand stopped.

A drop of ink fell upon the military register, bleeding across the names of three northern prefectures.

Only after a long while did I hear my own voice. “It was… Her Majesty the Empress Dowager’s decision?”

“No.”

The attendant continued, “His Majesty said it himself.”

“He also said that you have ignored affairs of state for so long, but surely ought to appear and take a look when it comes to a matter this important.”

I stared at the dark blot. After a while, I said, “This is good news.”

The attendant looked up at me and pressed his lips together without speaking.

He probably wanted to ask what was good about it.

—But everything was good about it.

Xiao Huaijing had only just assumed personal rule. With the inner palace vacant, the court officials could not put their hearts at ease.

Once he had consorts, an empress, and heirs, many people would finally quiet down.

Besides, he ought to have someone by his side.

He feared the cold at night and needed someone to add another layer to his clothing.

He hated the bitterness of medicine and needed someone to prepare candied fruit for him.

When he lost his temper, he needed a confidante to coax him out of it.

All of this was good.

I understood that perfectly.

And yet the brush in my hand cracked beneath my grip.

The attendant asked softly, “Your Highness, what should we do?”

“Which families are under consideration?”

“The Ming family, the Lu family, the Wen family, and the Gu family of Jiangnan.”

The Gu family of Jiangnan.

I remembered them.

The Gu family had a daughter of this generation named Gu Mingtang.

In my previous life, her family sent her to the capital to discuss a marriage. Later, I heard that she fled before the wedding.

At the time, I had been busy blocking the edict to depose Xiao Huaijing and paid no attention to such minor matters.

Now that I thought of it, this was one matter I could manage.

She did not wish to marry, while I needed a pretext to leave the capital.

The longer I remained silent, the more nervous my attendant became.

“Your Highness?”

I closed the military register. “Let us go to the palace and have a look.”

He stared. “Go to the palace… for what?”

“Can Your Highness truly face this calmly? You have done… done so much for His Majesty.”

“Even if His Majesty has no feelings for you, he should not toy with you like this—”

“Enough.” I cut him off.

“Never speak of this again. It would tarnish His Majesty’s reputation.”

I was ten years older than Xiao Huaijing.

He might not understand how badly this violated every moral principle, but how could I fail to understand?

My thoughts halted, and suddenly I found myself ridiculous.

—Xie Changling, you truly let yourself get carried away.

His Majesty does not like you. Do not flatter yourself.

I rose to fetch my outer robe.

As I put it on, the old wound in my chest suddenly gave a dull throb.

Xiao Huaijing was going to have consorts.

He would stand beside someone else. Someone else would hold the empress’s seal in her hands for him.

I ought to be happy.

Yet when I thought of that person not being me, it felt as though a wad of cold, wet cotton had lodged in my throat.

I fastened my sash, my voice somewhat hoarse. “To Changle Palace.”