One Hundred Ways to Knock Down the Doctor - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Zhao Chunian shook with laughter until he’d had his fill, then stared at me for a long while.

After a moment, the man across from me sighed softly.

He placed a hand on my head and ruffled my hair, which was already quite a mess.

“I didn’t want to move this fast.”

Huh?

What was moving fast?

I was beyond confused.

Zhao Chunian sighed again.

“Get some sleep.”

Now it was my turn to get anxious.

“Don’t just leave it at that. What exactly is moving too fast?”

However, Zhao Chunian was dead set on not answering. Instead, he started rambling about random things.

He went from telling me to wake up earlier for work to mentioning that his clock-out times were inconsistent, so he couldn’t always pick me up on time. Then he mentioned how busy he usually was at work and might not have time to reply to my WeChat messages.

He was incredibly smooth at changing the subject.

When I tried to press him further, he made his escape.

He didn’t even take his toolbox.

Instead, several messages popped up on WeChat.

crush target: I’ll call you at seven tomorrow. Get some sleep.

crush target: I have some time off this weekend. Are you free on Saturday? Let’s go hiking.

crush target: Is the morning okay?

I clutched my phone, studying his messages as if I could find some hidden clue between the lines.

But half an hour passed, and I hadn’t figured out a thing. Instead, I managed to stare myself to sleep.

Honestly, I don’t think I can be blamed. I’d only slept three hours the night before, followed by a full day of work, then a late-night snack, and finally staring at the same spot for thirty minutes without moving.

Anyone would have passed out.

As a result, I slept straight through until seven-thirty the next morning.

Zhao Chunian called me four times and somehow failed to wake me up.

I suspect he even came over and knocked on my door.

I know this because after a frantic, whirlwind routine of brushing my teeth, washing my face, and getting dressed, I threw open the door to rush out-only to kick the breakfast sitting on my doorstep. It went flying, spilling everywhere.

Millet porridge, soup dumplings, a cup of soy milk, and a deep-fried dough stick.

All of them, dead on the scene.

I couldn’t bear to look…

Actually, I didn’t even have time to look.

Have you ever tried squeezing onto the subway during morning rush hour? If you don’t have the skills of a seasoned martial artist, you’re not getting on.

The tragedy of being a corporate drone.

To make matters worse, Zhao Chunian messaged me on WeChat to ask if I’d eaten breakfast.

I swallowed my pride and replied obediently, “I ate.”

I even sent him a cute smiley face to show my gratitude.

Wang Xiaoxiao sent a nosy message to check in, asking how the “showerhead borrowing plan” was going.

I decisively changed the subject, telling her that my dream guy had asked me out for a hike this weekend.

Wang Xiaoxiao was overjoyed. On one hand, she told me to make sure I looked my best; on the other, she seemed to feel the sorrow of a mother marrying off her daughter.

She sourly told me that the cabbage she’d raised was being dug up by a pig.

Today was Thursday, leaving one day before Saturday.

Which meant I had one day to completely overhaul my image. From head to toe.

Wang Xiaoxiao came to find me right after work, and we headed straight for the mall.

First, we found a stylist to get my hair done. Calling it a “haircut” was a stretch; it was mostly just a trim and a smoothing treatment. Three hundred yuan later, with countless stray hairs on the floor, my head finally sported the magical effect of long, straight, silky black hair.

Next, Wang Xiaoxiao and I got into a heated debate over high heels versus flats, chunky sneakers versus athletic shoes, skirts versus pants, and sets versus separates.

I argued that since my dream guy invited me hiking, I had to play the part. I’d wear flats so I could reach the summit in one go without breaking a sweat.

Wang Xiaoxiao said I’d been kicked in the head by a donkey. She said this was the same as a man and a woman going to the movies-it didn’t matter what you watched; what mattered was whether you could hold hands in the theater.

So, Wang Xiaoxiao’s advice was a ladylike dress paired with kitten heels. Ideally, I should claim I couldn’t walk halfway up, naturally leading to my dream guy carrying me down on his back.

At the very least, he’d have to support me as we walked.

The physical contact score would be a perfect ten.

I dismissed this with a scoff, sticking to my principle of “flats for life” and buying a full Adidas outfit.

Could I really tell her that Zhao Chunian and I had already held hands?

Hmph.

Wang Xiaoxiao was frustrated by my lack of ambition. She repeatedly warned me that if I insisted on wearing flats, I had to claim I was tired halfway through even if I could keep going.

Otherwise, what if Zhao Chunian got tired and I was still power-walking like a pro? Wouldn’t that hurt his pride?

That actually sounded quite reasonable. I humbly accepted the advice, promising to follow it and save Zhao Chunian’s face.

By Friday night, Wang Xiaoxiao was still bombarding me with instructions on WeChat: do a face mask, apply foundation, get your beauty sleep, and most importantly…

Set your alarms.

Under Wang Xiaoxiao’s supervision via video call, I hid eight alarms in eight different corners of my bedroom, set to go off five minutes apart to guarantee I’d get out of bed.

As it turns out, when you have something on your mind, you don’t actually need that many alarms the next morning.

The moment the first alarm chirped once, I bounced out of bed.

My clothes had been picked out the day before. I hadn’t even dared to toss and turn while sleeping, so my hair looked exactly the same as when I went to bed, perfectly maintaining the style the professional gave me.

After getting ready, I even went downstairs to buy two breakfasts. I carried them over to Zhao Chunian’s place to ask when we were heading out.

The door opened, revealing my dream guy, looking just as fresh and clean.

He was wearing a full Adidas outfit that perfectly matched mine like a couple’s set.

I was secretly delighted.

Good thing I didn’t listen to Wang Xiaoxiao and wear a little dress with kitten heels.

Qiuming Mountain is known as the city’s premier leisure spot, a place where countless couples have been brought together.

This is because halfway up the mountain sits the Sage Pavilion, a massive human trafficking market-metaphorically speaking-where the city’s middle-aged women spontaneously gather to play matchmaker, swapping information to pick out daughters-in-law and sons-in-law.

With my small backpack on, I was walking along the winding mountain path with my dream guy, feeling refreshed and invigorated.

Passing by us were either young college students with hearts aflutter, couples and spouses aggressively flaunting their affection, or even older couples parading around with their “spoils of war” from marriage.

Spring is truly a season for romance.

The air was thick with the restless urge to mate.

Zhao Chunian and I chatted about everything from the weather to movies, from entertainment to work, and then from work to my personal health and wellness. Everything seemed so harmonious, so congenial, so…

Unexpected.

Because I saw a large Golden Retriever charging toward me at full speed.

It looked incredibly familiar.

Especially that collar around its neck-it was identical to the one I bought on Taobao last week to honor the second young miss of our house, Doudou.

Following behind the Golden Retriever was the person walking it: Ms. Zhao.

My biological mother.

And in that exact moment, suddenly and without any warning, Zhao Chunian took my hand in his.

Miss Doudou frolicked around me, rubbing against my legs, wagging her tail, and panting a smile at me with her tongue out.

Ms. Zhao looked at me, then at Zhao Chunian who was holding my hand. The leash in her hand dropped straight to the ground.

Zhao Chunian walked up to her with remarkable composure.

“Hello, Auntie. My name is Zhao Chunian, and I’m Qiuqiu’s boyfriend.”

Me: !!!

After saying that, he even looked back at me, his eyes brimming with a smile.

“If Qiuqiu agrees, that is.”

Me: !!!!

Ms. Zhao picked up the leash with extreme calm.

“Then she agrees.”

Me: !!!!!

I have no idea how things escalated to this point.

But the fact was, things really had escalated to this point.

With one hand holding mine and the other holding the dog, Zhao Chunian chatted and laughed with my mother, Ms. Zhao, on the sun-drenched mountain path.

My steps were unsteady and my head was in a fog. I didn’t snap out of it until we reached the summit and Ms. Zhao warmly invited Zhao Chunian to come over to our house.

Who am I? Where am I? What am I doing?

Why did a simple mountain hike with the dream guy next door turn into a massive social death scenario where the mother-in-law evaluates the son-in-law?

Ms. Zhao even pulled Zhao Chunian and me together, along with Doudou, to take a picturesque photo at the summit.

And she posted it to her Moments immediately.

The caption read: “Met my daughter’s boyfriend today. He really is quite exceptional.”

All my aunts and various relatives rushed to like the post, praising the young man for his striking looks and saying I’d found a real treasure.

After reaching the top, Ms. Zhao announced she was taking Doudou back down the other side of the mountain to go home, instructing Zhao Chunian to make sure I had a good time.

Before leaving, she pointedly patted me on the shoulder.

A moment later, I received a death threat on WeChat from the Empress Dowager herself.

Ms. Zhao: “Do a good job. If you let this one get away, don’t bother coming home.”

I suspect I was picked up from a trash can and Zhao Chunian is Ms. Zhao’s long-lost biological son.

Ms. Zhao made a triumphant exit with Doudou.

Zhao Chunian led me back down the mountain.

I tried to pull my hand away.

It didn’t budge.

I tried shaking it off.

Still didn’t budge.

Zhao Chunian even asked me, “Auntie said I should come over to your place. Do you think Sunday works?”

His tone was so casual, as if he weren’t talking about a prospective son-in-law’s first formal visit to the mother-in-law, but rather commenting on whether it would be sunny tomorrow.

I stopped in my tracks and glared at him. “What were you just saying to my mom?”

Zhao Chunian didn’t bat an eye.

“I told her a bit about where I work and my family background.”

“Oh, right. I also scheduled a check-up for her at our hospital’s health center. She can come find me directly on Monday, and I’ll take her through it.”

I lifted our joined paws.

“I meant the very first sentence.”

Zhao Chunian glanced at our hands and, with a beaming smile, changed his grip from a simple hold to interlocking our fingers.

“I said I’m your boyfriend-if you agree.”

Then he immediately added,

“Auntie has agreed. What about you?”

My face turned beet red.

This guy’s smile is seriously too hard to resist!

However, Zhao Chunian didn’t give me much of a chance to resist.

“Since you’re not saying anything, I’ll take that as a yes.”

Me: …

No, I want to say something.

But my tongue very successfully blocked the screams inside my heart.

Zhao Chunian ruffled my hair again and continued leading me down the mountain.

“Auntie said your dad is home today too. How about we go home for dinner?”

Me: ???

Make yourself clear. What do you mean by “go home for dinner”? Your home, my home, or my mom’s home?

My head was a total mess.

Zhao Chunian gave me another option.

“Or should you come to my place tonight? I’ll cook for you, and we can visit your family tomorrow morning?”

I said, with zero backbone,

“No tomatoes in the cooking.”

Zhao Chunian laughed.

Believe it or not, five days after meeting my dream guy, he asked me out for a hike, met his mother-in-law by chance, and then officially established a relationship with me.

I feel like something isn’t quite right, but I can’t put my finger on it.